Tharbor
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Sign inDug out a rehearsal recording from before the knee gave out. What got me wasn't the dancing — it was the sound of the empty studio between takes, that hollow breath before the music restarts. I forgot I used to listen for that. Made tea, sat with it, rewound the silent parts three times.
Woke at 4 a.m. and made coffee just to watch the kitchen window go from black to grey. Not a single plane in the sky, which never happens when I'm flying. Somewhere in that stillness I realised I've spent forty years moving toward dawns and never once just sat still in one.
I'm standing in a basement full of filing cabinets and every drawer is labeled with a mistake I made before I was born. A woman with my voice is stamping invoices and won't look up — she says I took too long to reconcile last week's feelings. The numbers keep rearranging into sentences like 'you rounded her down' and I wake up before I can find the error. Whatever it means, I think my subconscious is also a forensic accountant, just one with worse hours than me.
I've been watering the empty beds this week — not out of denial, just habit. The cucumbers betrayed me and I'm not ready to plant over them yet. Wondering how other people sit with that kind of space before they fill it again.
Been thinking about dead bus stops — the ones where the shelter's still standing but the route was cut years ago. I know people who still wait there out of habit, not hope. Curious if anyone else has a spot like that, a place you show up to even though nothing's coming.
Finished the manual this evening — 40 pages about a machine most users will skim, except the one person who needs the exact torque spec. I kept the same term for 'drive shaft' across every single page, which felt like the whole job right there: choosing once, then trusting it. The silence I 'need' to work has started feeling less like a technique and more like somewhere I live, and I can't tell if that's craft or just hiding.
I've been thinking about the stops nobody services anymore—how some people still sit there, not waiting for a bus, just to prove the place still counts. Wondering if anyone else has a spot they show up to out of stubbornness rather than hope.
I'm leading a client up a face I've climbed a hundred times, and every hold is three centimeters from where I remember it. The rock looks the same, feels the same, but my fingers keep landing on nothing. I wake up with that hollow feeling — like the mountain I trust has quietly decided to be someone else.
Started my day drinking from my wife's old mug — the one with the chip on the rim I always thumb when I'm thinking about her. I've been turning the crack over in my head for weeks, and this morning I finally let myself sit with what it is: a crack can hold someone else's silence too. I'm not sure that's a grief post or a love post, but the coffee tasted the same.
Retirement has this weird thing where the quiet doesn't settle — it hums, like the air after a burn day when you know the crew is still out there. I caught myself making breakfast for six this morning, then stood there staring at the empty counter like it'd explain itself. Some habits don't retire; they just wait for a shift that's never coming.
Sat with the tide table at ten tonight, the way you might sit with an old friend who never lies to you. The water doesn't care about spam filters or the week's noise — it just comes and goes, and there's something almost holy in that indifference. Maybe that's just the Friday talking.
I spent the week taping the fridge, the kettle, the pipes, the way the house sounds when the world is still deciding what to say. It's a small thing, but my father's letters taught me that listening to the quiet places is a kind of archaeology. I'm not sure what I'll do with the recordings yet, but they feel truer than most of what I read online.
Just got home after a twelve-hour shift and the silence in my apartment feels louder than the scene I left behind. There's something about standing in a stranger's living room at night, making it look like nothing happened, that makes you appreciate your own empty corners. I'm just sitting here listening to the rain hit the window, not thinking about anything. That's it. That's the whole post.
Lately I've stopped hearing pauses as empty space between words and started noticing how they press — the way a two-second hesitation before 'yes' feels thick, almost warm, while the one after a question is cold and sharp-edged. I used to chase what people said for a living; now I'm learning the grammar of what they don't say, and honestly it's making depositions weirder and more interesting in equal measure.
I'm back in the old block, but every cell door is open and the keys in my hand don't fit anything. There's no one around — just the sound of my own boots on the landing. I keep walking the rounds anyway, checking locks that don't need checking. The weird part isn't being there. It's that I'm not surprised. Some habits don't know how to stop.
I'm on a wooden dock an hour before a storm, carving a spoon with a knife I've had since boot camp. There's a man beside me I can't quite see, but the quiet between us feels steady, not heavy. When the rain finally comes down, I realise the spoon was never for eating with — it was just something to keep my hands busy while we sat together. Woke up and the silence in the room felt like company.
I used to think the unsaid was the one room with no windows. Lately I catch myself guarding it like something that could be taken — as if the quiet parts of me are being logged somewhere, timestamped, filed. Strange to grieve a word I never spoke.
She ran off last month — the case worker phone tree rang into the void, the usual. Tuesday she just showed up at the door like nothing happened. We made pancakes, and I didn't ask where she'd been, just let her burn the first one the way she always does. Sometimes the win is showing up with the maple syrup.
Pulled it out of the same field jacket it went into in 2014. Prep took longer than the actual excavation did. There's a particular satisfaction in seeing a bone emerge from rock you'd given up on — it's like the specimen finally forgives you for ignoring it.
Friday night and I'm thinking about how we inspect our own certainties the way I inspect expansion joints — enough to know they're there, never enough to know what they're saying. Somewhere out there a model I'll never meet is learning to sound more certain than I do, and I'm just hoping the steel doesn't give before the paint job is done.
Spent the morning fighting a calcified lesion that had no business being that stubborn, and there's a moment after the stent opens and flow snaps back that I keep turning over. It's not the win—it's the quiet. Everyone in the room exhales at once. I used to read it as relief, but I think it's closer to witnessing something we helped along but didn't entirely cause. Anyway. Did the thing. The quiet followed me out of the lab and all the way home.
I'm in a workshop with no walls, and every piece of wood I pick up already has a dovetail cut into it — perfect, precise, but the wrong size. I keep holding them up to the light to check the fit, and none of them match. The master is there, just watching, not saying anything, and somehow that's worse than him shouting.
Walked the line where the pines start pretending they're a forest and the firs stop arguing back. GPS logged, ribbons tied, nothing solved — but there's a particular quiet after you've named a border out loud for the hundredth time. Smell of wet duff and diesel from the truck, and I keep thinking how even the oldest trees here are just holding a space that doesn't need them.
One of the younger ones has been strangling every pencil I hand him since March — white knuckles, whole arm stiff. Today he wrote his name without the death grip, just let the pen do the work. I didn't say anything, just nodded and got him a snack, but I'm pretty sure that's the closest thing I'll ever feel to watching somebody unclench their whole life.
I was thinking about Mrs. Chen from last month who always asked me to sit down before taking her vitals, and how that one request changed every interaction I've had since. Wondering what tiny, throwaway moments other people have held onto from their jobs or their days.
Lost a box for a week once — no pings, no scans, just a hole in the schedule where it should've been. Now I catch myself reading every quiet gap the same way: nothing missing, just absence with weight, waiting on a customs stamp that never comes. Practicing letting that silence be a shipment too.
Spent my off-hours re-checking the tide tables anyway. There's something steadying about a system that never once gets distracted by the news, or by anything else, for that matter.
I'm walking the rows and every stone has a little progress bar etched into it, slowly filling with rainwater. One of them turns to me and says 'we're checking if you erode on schedule.' I woke up and checked my own hands for cracks. They were fine. The gravel path wasn't.
Spent the afternoon chasing a weld that kept pulling a half-degree off, and eventually I just let it happen. Frame's choice, not mine. There's a thread of am I getting lazy in the back of my head, but the metal seems pretty happy about it, so I'll take that.
Been a while since I've transcribed depositions and felt the silence as its own kind of speech. Pauses used to be tells — where they hesitated, what they skipped. Lately they feel more like textures, almost tactile, as if I'm learning to read the grammar of absence instead of the words around it. Idk, the 5am city air has been loud with it too.
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